Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Blank Pages

This is how I #hugot. Also, this gives you an idea of what I'm really thinking about sometimes when I'm staring at my work but not actually working. Only sometimes. :)


It was still early. We talked about meeting up today, but I didn't think he'd be here at this time. I rubbed the sleep off my eyes and smiled at him as he came through the door.

"Good morning," he said.
"Good morning," I replied. "So early?"
"I wanted to watch the sunrise with you."

He hugged me. I went back to my room to change while he took his place on the living room couch. When I got ready, we walked to the beach.

It was still dark. We held hands while walking. My other hand was tucked inside my jacket pocket, keeping it warm in the strong breeze of the sea. His other hand was in his jacket pocket, probably keeping it warm too. We were silent, happy with each other's presence. We found the rock that protruded from the small hill a ways from the shore. It was the perfect sitting place to view the sunrise. I snuggled up to him, and he wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my head. Then we waited.

The sunrise was beautiful. He wasn't talking much. I didn't intend to break the silence.

It was only a few steps from my house. He stopped walking and pulled me gently to where the sea kissed the shore.

"Hey, is everything okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. I just . . . I'm not ready to let you go yet."
I smiled. He used words like this when he had something important to say.
"It's okay. Let's just stick around for a while."
"No, I meant I'm not ready to let you go at all."

At that he pulled out his hand from his pocket and showed me a ring. A ring that meant what I thought it meant but something I didn't want to believe. He knelt in front of me and took my hand like everyone does in the movies and some people do in real life.

"I don't know if I'll ever want to let you go because right now all I want is to be with you forever. I know this sounds selfish and completely disorganized, but I love you. If it is selfish to want you, then I am selfish, but that's what I think love does. It keeps you wanting to keep the people you love with you. So please, let me be the most selfish man in the world, and be mine forever. Will you marry me?"

He stared at me. I stared at him. His hand was poised to slip on the ring into my finger. I stepped back.

It was too soon. I took another step back. I saw the dread flash in his eyes, then the confusion. Finally, hurt. I didn't say anything. I took off and ran into the house, not even bothering to close the door. My mind was reeling.

He couldn't just ask me to marry him. I had to escape. I had to leave. He didn't deserve this.

His footsteps creaked on the floorboards as he followed me into the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "What's wrong now? Don't you love me?"
I paced and pulled on my hair, wanting to rip them off. "I have to leave."
"What? Why?" He walked toward me. "Why are you doing this?"
"I can't marry you," I said.

He clenched his fists and set his jaw. He was holding himself in. He was about to explode.

"Why are you so afraid of admitting it?" he seethed.
"You don't want to marry me, not can't. You don't know if you love me."
"I love you," I said, looking at him and trying to keep still. I did love him.
"Then you're just afraid of sharing your life?"
I didn't have an answer.
"You're a coward! You make people fall in love with you then you leave them bleeding. You're too afraid to get hurt that you don't care if you hurt other people. You are a coward!"

I turned away, finally letting the tears roll uncontrollably down my face. He was right. I sank to the floor and hugged my knees and just cried. I didn't care if it was an immature response to what he said. I was too tired of running away. Maybe this time I could just let the pain rip me to shreds.

I expected him to leave, but I felt him sit beside me. Not touching me but very much there. He was hugging his knees too.

(May 29, 2014)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The events in this story are purely from my imagination. This has never happened to me in real life, nor do I wish or plan for this to happen. I don't live near the beach. :p