Transformers: Age of Extinction (I can't even)

In keeping with my tradition to write endless reviews after really awesome Transformers movies (wait, I've only written one), I have decided to spoil anyone who reads this who haven't seen the movie yet (because I'm that kind of person).

This movie's cast includes

• Max Payne
• Really annoying teenage daughter
• Ed Sheeran
• and Caesar Flickerman 

Also starring the voices of

• Eeyore
• Scooby-Doo
• Fred Flintstone
• Ra's Al Ghul
• and one of the Stabbington brothers (Tangled)

What I remember of the almost three-hour movie

Basically the humans are hunting the robots. And if in the first warning you didn't get it, I'm saying it again: SPOILER ALERT. But the humans aren't the only ones. Apparently, Lockdown, this really cool bot whose alternate is a Lamborghini (a really sleek and sexy and contoured and downright awesome car), was sent to earth to clean up the mess the Autobots and Decepticons caused. You know, like the mess in Chicago four years prior to this movie's supposed timeline. Lockdown's face turns into a very accurate firing weapon and he just shoots bots whether they are good or bad. This means most Autobots were in hiding and some of them dying. Well, most of them. As the movie progresses, we find that there are only five Autobots left, and it's really sad and heartbreaking to watch Lockdown thrust a sword into one of the bots' Spark. Why would he do that? So sad.

Then we see Cade Yeager (Wahlberg) and his friend Lucas Flannery (Miller). Yeager is obviously a descendant of one of the creators of the famous Gypsy Danger, Striker Eureka, Crimson Typhoon, etc. This seems to be a thread that movies want to stitch together, you know, Godzilla, Pacific Rim, How to Train Your Dragon. All jaegers and kaijus. Anyway, Lucas dies. I'm sorry. He's one of the characters who was given the greatest corniest lines and is also the traitor of the group, so he dies by hellfire. And turns into a metal skeleton statue in the form of a running man.

So on Optimus Prime, his voice seems to have changed slightly. His face has become very expressive. He also coughs and has a runny nose the first time we see him, which I never thought robots would do. I mean, really? Cough? Do they even, like, breathe? In the words of Shane (the boyfriend) when he was trying to calm Bumblebee down, "Just take a deep breath or whatever it is that you do." Optimus is still awesome, especially when we see him back to his old shiny blue and red self with flames. He is definitely a mover. And he has a soft heart for humans, which makes us wonder if he's really actually one of us or if he's just having an identity crisis.

Then we see the rest of the group.

Oh, oh, wait, at the very beginning of the movie, we see the reason dinosaurs died. The aliens killed them while planting seeds. And they found one of the metal dinosaur skeletons and decided to become creators using the thing called a Transformium. Anyway.

The rest of the group! I love Crosshair's flappy cape. How can something metallic be so swishy? It's awesome! And Drift's random haikus and his famous line in the movie, something about using violence as a last resort, then he kills some strange creature in an extremely violent way.

Also, Hound's ballet moves. "I'm covering you. If I'm not covering you, I must be dead." He's a bit trigger happy, and it makes him so adorable with his flowy beard. And when he gets stuck on the Hong Kong residential area because he's fat. "That's mean."

The best lines were given to Caesar Flickerman (I'm sorry I keep calling him that), some of which were "Get out of the way, out of the way. [After a while] Oh, just hit them" (when they were driving in a busy street with lots of people), "I may have caused the apocalypse, but you brought your family, and that's really bad parenting," and "We don't need you anymore" (which in my opinion hurts much and in Hound's words "That's mean").

Shane also gets awesome parts in the movie. He drives awesome. He screams like a girl. He also says "I'm not here to save your daughter. I'm here to help you save my girlfriend."

Speaking of which, I am so annoyed at the daughter. Tessa is annoying. She couldn't even run away from the fighting robots on the street. "I'm trying," she says while hitting the car's back window, trying to break it. Seriously? Pfft. Did she have to be so . . . I mean did there really need to be a girl? I think Caesar's assistant, the awesome Asian girl, would have been enough. But then, they needed a father-daughter tandem, so whatever.

Generally, I can't organize my thoughts on the movie because it was almost three hours long and the awesomeness of metal crushing metal and the sound of cars in gear are still in my head. This adrenaline-pumping movie is the type of movie that can make you clap at the very end and that is something worth watching. Yeah, sure, the story's a bit, well, okay. It's not the type that can make you think about the world differently but it is the type that can make you look at cars a whole lot differently. The aftereffects of the movie are still not wearing off and I believe that I may end up imagining random vehicles transforming. 

Also, Megatron who is now Galvatron comes back but doesn't earn enough screen time. He talks in, like, three instances: his first fight with Optimus, when he had his army of bots, and when he exited into Victoria Peak.

The destruction, of course, should not be ignored. Since they've grown tired of destroying New York or Chicago or somewhere else, they decided to bring the destruction to China. Finally, another city. Then again, they shot some parts of it in a really large set in Detroit and made us believe it was in Asia, so I don't think that counts.

What I love about this movie is that they've acknowledged the previous movie (Transformers: Dark of the Moon). This seems to be the thing with movies. They're building their stories based on the previous ones and making viewers want to watch the previous ones too. It's a really cool development in the movie industry.

Anyway, I still have so many things to say about the movie but can't keep my head straight with all the shooting and dodging and running and riding and being just cool while watching the movie. It's really worthy of any tech geek's money, or anyone who enjoys watching movies like Pacific Rim, Real Steel, and the Fast and the Furious series. Obviously, it has robots and cars. What more can we ask for?

So there. A mediocre printout of what I'm actually feeling about the movie. Don't be fooled, Optimus doesn't die. I mean, I don't intend on making you think this is the only way I'm feeling about the movie because my words just aren't enough. You should see my smile. I feel like a kid watching all the toys and candy being placed in my Christmas sock. It's an awesome movie!

Go watch it or Optimus Prime will hit you in the forehead with a very heavy gun.

Autobots, roll out.

"Legendary warriors, stand with us. If you stand against us, you stand against me. I give you freedom!"
"You just want to die for him. Now that's leadership."