Monday, September 5, 2011

Don't Die!

She/He broke up with you. You got a failing grade. Your parents don't appreciate your efforts. Your friends make fun of you. You make fun of you. You have no idea what else to do. You just want to die. Well, let me tell you something--if you want to die, you will sooner or later. My advice for you is to choose later.

This post is a rant, a sympathy and a challenge to all those who have attempted, will attempt or will attempt to attempt suicide. You're painting a very pretty picture of what you want, dude. READ ME.

Why do people end their life? There are a number of reasons that we all think about when it comes to answering that question. I won't delve into an academic discussion of suicide cases because we all know we've had enough of that, thank you. So here's my account and I hope you learn something from it.

I was suicidal. It wasn't a confirmed medical diagnosis but I knew that I would do it if I had reason enough to do so. When I was in high school, one of my notebooks had a list I ingeniously named MESS: Most Effective Suicide Strategies. This list, as you may have surmised, holds a number of choices of suicide. I had the blade, the poison and the noose. I listed down pros and cons of each strategy. Poisons end up with ugly foamy stuff on your mouth and would be embarrassing to see in pictures. The noose would block out oxygen to your brain and would consequently turn your head blue or violet or whatever color but in any case not a beautiful sight to look at when inside the coffin. I had convinced myself that slitting would be the least gruesome of my strategies (aside from drowning in chocolate). I wanted to die but I wanted to still look good after. *afterthought: I would have listed down suffocation but everyone knows you can't suffocate yourself. And overdose of drugs wasn't in my vocabulary at that time.* The MESS list was my constant companion when I felt troubled and ready to explode. The nearest attempt I had with proving my MESS list was indeed a MESS was when I slept with a blade on the bed. Not impressive, not effective. I was in high school. I went through a difficult inner personality check. I'm a normal teenager.

So guess what? If you're reading this then it must be some sort of assurance for you that we are both still alive. What happened then? Did I just grow out of it? Did I realize that I couldn't do it, not if my life depended on it? Well, I did grow out of it. I grew up. I don't remember how or when but I do remember coming to a conclusion that suicide won't solve anything. I inflicted pain, like twisting my fingers when I'm angry, but whenever the thought of taking my life would form in my mind, it blew away like a mist. It doesn't materialize anymore. In any case, I end up laughing about even thinking it. I end up saying to myself "Ha! You think that's gonna solve your problems? Think again, kiddo. You're heading towards a lot more problems if you actually do it." And that was it. I stopped. I quit. That's what I kept telling everybody.

"I quit suicide."
Doesn't that sound so encouraging? You think I'm making this up? You think I haven't gone through enough to push me over the edge? Think again.

There are no perfect people. And there's definitely not enough MESS in this world to accommodate all of those who think their lives are worthless. I am a normal person who goes through pains and sufferings and all those stuff that people list down on their suicide notes. The difference is that I've decided to open my eyes.

I know of people who attempted suicide because of heartache. Well, most people who attempt or are actually successful do it because of heartache. They're hurt because of women, work or worthlessness. I know of people who's lives are such a treasure but they end up throwing it away because of 'the world'. They throw it all away because of the brand the world has been selling us: that we will never amount to anything worth living why not just die?

So here's my punchline to all of you who think suicide is the solution: Judas could have been saved.

Yes, I'm talking about the bible character named Judas who sold Jesus to the pharisees for some silver coins that he didn't end up using. You see, Judas' life was normal. He was a man who Jesus took as a disciple but he ended up being used by God. When he realized what he had done, he decided to end his contract on earth spilled his guts out on the valley of blood. Now, if you think about it, Jesus offers forgiveness. That was the sole point of His dying on the cross. He wanted us to have a new beginning, a fresh start. He was forgiving us of faults that we haven't even done yet. He was holding out a lifeline. Judas couldn't see this. He looked at Christ's wounds and saw himself whipping Jesus. He was blinded by himself. He was standing in front of himself and pushing through the image of what he knew he had done. So he took a rope and tied it round his neck and went swinging.

If he had waited it out, if he had gone somewhere to hide (we couldn't expect him to go to the other disciples and say sorry because we couldn't do it either), if he had just stayed alive long enough to see Jesus rise from the dead, would everything have ended differently in his life? I'd like to answer that with one big YES. If he had had the courage and the humility to say sorry to Jesus himself, do you think Jesus would not forgive him? To that I don't have an answer because Jesus still holds the right to answer stuff like that. But I would like to submit to you the criminal who hung on the cross with Jesus. He was convicted. Everyone knew he was guilty. Everyone knew he deserved to die. But he asked forgiveness and Jesus granted it to him. He was guilty but now his guilt had been taken and we might see him someday, walking on those streets of gold. He died but in Christ he lived. So if Judas would have stayed alive, he could have changed and be saved and be a living example of someone who chose to breathe a little longer and see where it takes him. It would have been a glorious day for him, for anyone who has let his King down and yet be offered forgiveness and life.

Of course, no matter how hard we fight the case of Judas, what is done is done and all of it done according to God's will. What we can do now is learn from it. The parallels of the bible are not dissimilar to our lives today. We fail to meet standards, expectations and we end up heart broken. But if we take our own lives, then what? Is that any way to treat a life we have only borrowed? Is that any way to treat a life that could have done greater things if only the noose wasn't tight enough, the poison strong enough or the blade sharp enough? We are offered a second chance and throwing that all away is like refusing the gift of everything you ever wanted. Suicide is stupid!

Am I sounding preachy? Sorry. It's just that, life has to have problems. A problem free life is not much fun. The challenge therefore is to solve these problems ALIVE! (Well we can't solve anything when we're dead now, can we?) Live and see where life takes you. Live and give whatever heartache you're experiencing the strongest, most painful uppercut you can by throwing a big smile in their face. Live and see that life is special, that you are special, and that sometimes a list of MESS can turn out to be a list of Most Effective Survival Strategies.

Taste and see that the Lord is good. Taste and see that you are loved. If you can't find anyone to prove that you are loved, guess what? I love you (whoever you are, I'll see you in Heaven and maybe we can talk about your MESS list.)

Stay alive!

1 comment:

  1. thanks God your still alive. your an inspiration...


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